Spring is coming.

Mallorca at this time of the year is so different from the hectic Summer months.
Plenty of space and the roads are quiet.
Even the bl**dy cyclists aren't here in force yet!

Days are sunny and the night are cool.
I've even seen people in the sea!
But it's a a great time of the year, because in the sun and out of any wind, the island is virtually as hot as June or September.

Easter is early this year, Semana Santa as it's called here.
The hotels and bars are waking up now.
Those that closed during the winter are being prepared for the busy months ahead.
A lick of paint, and the job that seems to be a part of Mallorca life...the maids sweeping.
All with a cheery Buenas Dias to anyone passing.
All in all, it's a great time to discover the real island.

Singer Annie Lennox said that Mallorca has been ruined by motorways which slice through once unspoiled countryside.
Ruined?
I disagree.

What has happened is that the traffic has now been moved away from once sleepy villages which had become host to thousands of cars and lorries driving through each day.
Village life had changed, and changed for the worse, as tranquility had given way to modern transport.

But now these same villages are going back to sleep, slumbering in the hot sun and the quiet of the countryside, as the thunder of the motorist has been taken away to where it belongs.
To me the original Mallorca is fighting its way back after decades of too much traffic.

Centre Stage Productions - What's On

Tour Date

La Magia Del Musical

Senior Company
Teatre Sa Tablera - Andratx
13, 14 & 15 April

Grease

Youth Company
Sala Mozart - Auditorium, Palma
28 & 29 April

Tour Date

La Magia Del Musical

Senior Company
Teatre Escénic - Campos
11,12 & 13 May

Snow White

Junior Company
Sala Mozart - Auditorium, Palma
19 & 20 May

Plus:

Watch This Space For exciting News!

New productions on the way...information follows soon.

Tristan to move to Mallorca or Bolton

Diego Tristan has stated he will sign for Bolton or Real Mallorca next week.

The Spanish international striker is a free agent after being released by Deportivo La Coruna last week.

Because Depor released him before the transfer window closed, that meant he was eligible to move even after August 31.

He has now held talks with a host of clubs including a number from England, with Newcastle and Charlton rivalling Bolton.

However, the 30-year-old has now revealed that he has narrowed down his options to just two clubs.

"I will play in Mallorca or Bolton," he told the Spanish media.

"Now I have not decided the situation, but I will be in a place by this Monday."

Tristan's agent and father is believed to have held lengthy talks with Bolton over the last few days, whilst Mallorca will be hoping Tristan can resist the lure of The Premiership.

Centre Stage Productions

Centre Stage Productions

The Final What's On 2006
Centre Stage Productions - Palma de Mallorca
**********************

3rd & 4th November At 9pm (21.00)
5th November At 8pm (20.00)

The Full Centre Stage Chorus And Dancers

La Magia Del Musical
(The Magic Of The Musical)

The Song - The Dance - The Spectacle

Sala Mozart - Auditorium - Palma
Tickets From The Box Office

This show was a total sell out last year... BEFORE the show even opened.
If you want seats - Be Safe - Be Sure - BOOK NOW!

**********************

17th & 18th November At 8pm (20.00)

Centre Stage Junior Company Presents
A Christmas Concert

At the Coleman Hall - Anglican Church - Palma
Tickets From The Centre Stage Office: 971 22 15 30

**********************

10th December At 5pm
For The 8th Year Running:

A Celebration Of Christmas

A Choir of Young People
From the International Schools of Mallorca

Under the direction of Conway Jones

Held in the awe inspiring:

Palma Cathedral

Free Admission
A Collection Will Be Taken In Aid Of The Ecumenical Movement

Manzano - urged side to go for win MANZANO PLEA TO MALLORCA Mallorca coach Gregorio Manzano has urged his team to go for their first win of the season on Sunday when Deportivo La Coruna are the visitors to the Son Moix stadium. The Balearic islanders were held 1-1 at Recreativo Huelva in their opening match of the campaign and, after two consecutive seasons where they have diced with relegation, Manzano is determined to pick up the points early in the season and keep them away from the danger zone. Manzano has urged the crowd to get behind his team against high-flying Deportivo who occupied third spot after the first week of the season. "I urge the supporters to get behind the team in the same way as they did towards the end of last season," Manzano told a press conference on Friday. "Our stadium ought to be a fortress where we must always expect to take maximum points as it is very difficult to win games away from home. "The supporters can play a fundamental role in making that happen." Manzano has named an 18-man squad for the first home match of the season but has warned all of his players that none of them can take a starting berth for granted. "Everyone of the 18 players I have called on for this match must prepare for it as if they are going to start it," said Manzano. Venezuelan Juan Arango and Serbia international Branko Jankovic are both expected to play for Mallorca. Hector Berenguel is ruled out through injury but defender Nunes is likely to play after missing the Recreativo game through injury with Ivan Ramis the man likely to lose out. Deportivo coach Joaquin Caparros had a worry about central defender Iago who injured an ankle in midweek but the stopper was able to train normally on Friday and is available for selection on Sunday. Goalkeeper Dudu Aouate is available after playing for Israel in their Euro 2008 qualifying campaign while Caparros may rest Jonathan De Guzman who has had some tiring flights to and from Canada for their international with Jamaica. With Juanma back in action after two months on the sidelines with a groin injury, the pieces are starting to come together for Caparros. Deportivo made an excellent start to the season and lie in third place after beating big-spending Real Zaragoza 3-2 in their opener. Striker Riki is excited at the potential of the Galician club but vowed a no-risk approach in the Balearics. "The coach wants a compact team that is competitive and which will be difficult to beat," Riki told Marca. "It's clear that away from home we will have to rely on our basic game and maybe play on the counter-attack because we are very fast and dangerous. "That could be our most potent weapon."

Stage-managed spin from start to finish

Daily Mail Comment
6th September 2006

Nothing better sums up Tony Blair's time in office than his closest aides' toe-curling plans for his departure.

In a leaked memo, they say the great man should appear on Blue Peter, Songs of Praise and Chris Evans's radio show.

He should make a final tour of the nation, visiting "iconic locations"

and celebrating the "triumph of Blairism".

"He needs to go with the crowds wanting more.
He should be the star who won't even play that last encore…".

Lord, give us strength!

There are five flesh-creeping pages of this, recommending the Prime Minister should be "carefully positioned" to distance himself from the "political village".

So it is that Mr Blair's premiership is to end as it began - as an elaborately stage-managed public relations exercise, all style and no substance.

Tellingly, the Prime Minister's aides come close to admitting Mr Blair has achieved precious little of what he promised.

They write that his "genuine legacy" is not so much the delivery of his policies as the dominance of New Labour ideas.

You can say that again! All around us - in schools and hospitals and on our crime-ridden streets - can be seen the evidence of Mr Blair's failure to deliver on the confident pledges he made in 1997.

So what concrete achievements can he claim after all these years? The list makes dismal reading:

All-out war in Iraq and Afghanistan; a Human Rights Act that jeopardises our security by protecting terrorists; record immigration; devolution that makes nonsense of the constitution; countless billions wasted on grandiose computer systems that don't work; an unprecedented crackdown on civil liberties; a preposterously expensive Millennium Dome, now mired in sleaze...Oh, yes...and a cash for peerages scandal.

No wonder Mr Blair's aides prefer to live in a fantasy world, in which their hero is pressed by adoring multitudes demanding "encore!".

Back on Planet Earth, with increasing numbers of Labour MPs queueing up at the door of No 10, Mr Blair finally caved in and named the date of his departure.

But even so, effective government is on hold until the succession is resolved. And that is nearly a year away.

What was it that memo said about the Prime Minister needing to go "with the crowds wanting more"? Sorry, Mr Blair, but it's far, far too late for that now.

St Paul in the dock

How can it be a crime to distribute leaflets containing quotations from the Bible?

That, believe it or not, is what led police to charge Stephen Green, of Christian Voice, with using "abusive or insulting words", contrary to the Public Order Act.

But the words complained of were not Mr Green's. They were those of St Paul and the prophet Leviticus, extracted from the Authorised Version of the Bible and distributed by members of Christian Voice at a gay rally in Cardiff.

Why did the police object?

For the same reason that they accused author Lynette Burrows of "homophobia" when she dared suggest that same-sex couples did not make ideal adoptive parents.

And the same reason Strathclyde firemen have been disciplined for refusing to attend a gay parade.

Mr Green's "crime" is to believe, along with St Paul and traditionalists of many faiths, that homosexual acts are sinful.

Not so long ago, gay intercourse was severely punished by law. Quite rightly, that has changed.

But what a slippery slope we tread if it is to become a crime to disapprove.

Centre Stage Productions

Centre Stage Productions

The Final What's On 2006
Centre Stage Productions - Palma de Mallorca
**********************

3rd & 4th November At 9pm (21.00)
5th November At 8pm (20.00)

The Full Centre Stage Chorus And Dancers

La Magia Del Musical
(The Magic Of The Musical)

The Song - The Dance - The Spectacle

Sala Mozart - Auditorium - Palma
Tickets From The Box Office

This show was a total sell out last year... BEFORE the show even opened.
If you want seats - Be Safe - Be Sure - BOOK NOW!

**********************

17th & 18th November At 8pm (20.00)

Centre Stage Junior Company Presents
A Christmas Concert

At the Coleman Hall - Anglican Church - Palma
Tickets From The Centre Stage Office: 971 22 15 30

**********************

10th December At 5pm
For The 8th Year Running:

A Celebration Of Christmas

A Choir of Young People
From the International Schools of Mallorca

Under the direction of Conway Jones

Held in the awe inspiring:

Palma Cathedral

Free Admission
A Collection Will Be Taken In Aid Of The Ecumenical Movement

Centre Stage Productions

The Final What's On 2006
Centre Stage Productions
**********************

3rd & 4th November At 9pm (21.00)
5th November At 8pm (20.00)

The Full Centre Stage Chorus And Dancers

La Magia Del Musical
(The Magic Of The Musical)

The Song - The Dance - The Spectacle

Sala Mozart - Auditorium - Palma
Tickets From The Box Office

This show was a total sell out last year... BEFORE the show even opened.
If you want seats - Be Safe - Be Sure - BOOK NOW!

**********************

17th & 18th November At 8pm (20.00)

Centre Stage Junior Company Presents
A Christmas Concert

At the Coleman Hall - Anglican Church - Palma
Tickets From The Centre Stage Office: 971 22 15 30

**********************

10th December At 5pm
For The 8th Year Running:

A Celebration Of Christmas

A Choir of Young People
From the International Schools of Mallorca

Under the direction of Conway Jones

Held in the awe inspiring:

Palma Cathedral

Free Admission
A Collection Will Be Taken In Aid Of The Ecumenical Movement

Real Mallorca Update

Ibagaza in Mallorca Return

Wednesday Aug 30 2006 09:06

Real Mallorca have re-signed Argentinian midfielder Ariel Ibagaza from Atletico Madrid.

The 29-year-old spent five years at Estadio Son Moix before moving to Atletico in 2003 and helped the islanders to win the Copa del Rey in his final season at the club.

Ibagaza was a regular for much of his time in the capital and only signed a new two-year contract in March.

However, Atletico coach Javier Aguirre's summer spending spree saw Ibagaza drop out of the first-team plans and persuaded him to accept the offer of a 12-month deal with his former club.

Argentine midfielder Ibagaza to rejoin Mallorca

Argentine midfielder Ibagaza to rejoin Mallorca

(Reuters) - Argentine midfielder Ariel Ibagaza will sign a one-year deal with his former club Real Mallorca after agreeing to leave Atletico Madrid.

Mallorca said on their Web site that the 29-year-old playmaker would be presented to the media on Tuesday after undergoing a medical with the club.

Ibagaza joined Atletico from Mallorca in 2003 and signed a two-year contract extension with the club in March this year, but new coach Javier Aguirre has made it clear that the Argentine does not figure in his plans.

The pint-sized midfielder enjoyed the most successful period of his career in his first spell with the islanders between 1998 and 2003, helping them to two third-place finishes in the league and victory in the King's Cup.

Atletico are trying to close deals to sign Portugal midfielder Maniche from Dynamo Moscow and Spain forward Jose Antonio Reyes from Arsenal before the transfer deadline expires on Thursday

La Liga

29th August

ATHLETIC BILBAO 1 REAL SOCIEDAD 1: Sociedad ended their five-season losing streak at San Mames after midfielder Mikel Aranburu fired a Xabi Prieto cross to the roof of the net to score an 87th-minute equaliser.

Atletico Madrid's Pablo Ibanez continues despite a bloodied nose. His gutsy showing helped to inspire Atletico to a 1-0 away win against Racing Santander. -- REUTERS

Bilbao had taken the lead in controversial circumstances when striker Aritz Aduriz scored from the spot after the referee awarded a fiercely-contested penalty 11 minutes from halftime.

DEPORTIVO CORUNA 3 REAL ZARAGOZA 2: Depor came back from an early strike from Zaragoza striker Diego Milito to take a 2-1 lead with a close-range goal by Juan Rodriguez and a Sergio penalty.

Zaragoza were reduced to 10 men when Juanfran picked up a second booking 20 minutes from time and Depor striker Angel Arizmendi took advantage to slide in unmarked at the far post and make it 3-1 soon after.

Brazilian striker Ewerthon made for an exciting finish when he snapped home Zaragoza's second but Depor held out for a memorable win.

OSASUNA 0 GETAFE 2: Getafe completed a miserable week for Osasuna who missed out on a place in the Champions League when they lost to Hamburg SV on the away goals rule on Tuesday.

Swiss midfielder Fabio Celestini put Bernd Schuster's side in front early in the second half when he squeezed a dipping shot past goalkeeper Ricardo and new boy Nacho rifled home to make it 2-0 12 minutes later.

RACING SANTANDER 0 ATLETICO MADRID 1: Atletico have spent over 40 million euros ($80m) on new recruits during the close season but it was club talisman Fernando Torres who secured this win when he netted at the second attempt in the 12th minute.

New signing Yourkas Seitaridis will want to forget his first Primera Liga match after he was sent off just before the break for a reckless tackle from behind on Racing midfielder Felipe Melo.

But Racing failed to make the numerical advantage count and Atletico survived to take the three points by the narrowest of margins at the Estadio El Sardinero.

It was a good start under new Atletico coach Javier Aguirre with hopes high that the club can be competitive this season.

Torres gave Atletico a dream start when he opened the scoring to continue the good form he showed in the World Cup where he scored three goals.

The Spain international finished from close range after the ball fell invitingly in his path.

RECREATIVO HUELVA 1 REAL MALLORCA 1: Mallorca looked to have won the game when Venezuelan striker Juan Arango smashed in a spectacular volley from a fine cross from Bosko Jankovic four minutes from time.

But Recreativo, back in the top flight for only the third time in their history, scrambled a last-gasp equaliser when midfielder Santi Cazorla's fierce shot spun off the hands of goalkeeper Toni Prats and into the net deep into injury time.

ESPANYOL 0 GIMNASTIC TARRAGONA 1: Gimnastic celebrated their return to the top flight after a 56-year absence with three points.

Former Mallorca midfielder Alejandro Campano grabbed the match-winner six minutes after the break when he controlled a clever lofted pass from Abel Buades and steered the ball past Carlos Kameni.

Poor Espanyol. This opening-match defeat will bring back bad memories for their die-hard fans who will probably start fearing a repeat of last year's relegation dogfight.

VALENCIA 2 REAL BETIS 1: Striker Fernando Morientes celebrated his return to the Primera Liga when he smashed in from 15m after some great work by ex-Arsenal star Edu to put Valencia ahead after 33 minutes.

Betis forward Xisco equalised against his former side early in the second half but centre-back Raul Albiol secured victory for Valencia when he clipped in after a corner eight minutes later.

Who really believes standards are rising?

Who really believes standards are rising?

Daily Mail Comment
25th August 2006

As predictable as Stalin's annual boasts of record grain harvests in his famine-stricken Soviet Union comes another record-breaking set of GCSE results.

Now let us say one thing loud and clear: thousands of bright teenagers studied hard for their exams this year, and richly deserve the top grades they scored. The Mail congratulates them heartily.

Many would have scored top grades 30 years ago and nothing is more irritating for them than to be told by cynical adults: 'Ah, yes, but exams are so much easier now than they were then.'

But is there really anyone left who seriously believes standards have been rising relentlessly under this Government?

Or that all 19 per cent who achieved As and A*s yesterday would have performed equally well in the days before 'modules' and subjects such as media studies? Or that fewer than two per cent of candidates deserved to be marked as failures?

Employers don't believe it. They complain they have to give remedial lessons in the most basic English and maths to school-leavers - even to some who have strings of good GCSE grades.

Only yesterday, it emerged that no fewer than four in 10 primary school leavers are failing to master the three Rs.

Now that is a national scandal. And how convenient that these figures were released on a day when attention was focused on the GCSE 'triumph'.

Yet Ministers go on mouthing their lies about ever-rising standards. Meanwhile, they drop the requirement that pupils should study modern languages - not because there is no longer any need for them in this multilingual world, mind, but because such tough subjects make it difficult to massage the statistics.

New Labour, elected on a promise that education would be its top three priorities, has betrayed an entire generation. It has betrayed high achievers, by failing to stretch them or allow them to show their true worth. It has betrayed slow learners, by failing to equip them with the basic skills they need to get by in life.

And hasn't it also betrayed our country, by failing to produce the educated workforce on which our future depends?

Daily Mail...Readers reaction...

Here's what readers have had to say so far.

Here we go, the annual 'things were better in my day' festival. What is wrong with this country where we can't acknowledge the results these kids get.
I often read on these pages how kids are disinterested, anti social - and do you blame them? Even when they put the effort in, stay at school, study hard and get the results they are swamped with accusations that it was easy and their results are worthless. They are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
Like all education systems ours can be improved but we can at least congratulate and encourage these students of today who make the effort.

- Graeme, Edinburgh

The main problem facing would-be employers of these school leavers is, how on earth do you differentiate between them if they ALL get top marks. Surely the purpose of exams is to discriminate between those that can, those that might and those that haven't a cat in hell's chance. Oh dear, discriminate? That's not allowed, is it?

- Mike Randall, Worcester, England

No one has to be brain of Britain to know why more young people scored higher exam results 30 years ago. It is not all down to the quality of teaching staff.

- Margaret, Birmingham

Mediterranean Living

Issue number 31 of Mediterranean Living is out NOW.

Get it from all your usual places...or online at:
http://www.med-liv.com
later this week.

While we're here...

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

"370HSSV-0773H."

He was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Dick Cheney.
Cheney and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it so it went to the National Education Association and then to MIT.
The CIA couldn't help either.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. Nothing.
So as a last resort they aske Israel's Mossad.
They cabled Mr. Bush back after just 5 minutes...

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

THE WALLY'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER PROTECTION

THE WALLY'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER PROTECTION

COMPUTER NASTIES

VIRUS PROTECTION MADE SIMPLE

How do you protect your computer?
How do you clear it of any infection it may already have?
How do you keep it safe?

First...
Install these to build a protective wall around your computer...
just like the outside walls and roof protect your house...

Firewall - Router - Antivirus - Anti-hacker

And then...
Use these to disinfect your computer and keep it safe
just as you would clean your bathroom with bleach or antiseptic liquid...

Virus Scan - Adware Scan - Trojan Scan

Now read on...
To discover the threats to your computer and the best solutions I have found.
http://www.med-liv.com/bug 1.html

THE WALLY'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER PROTECTION

THE WALLY'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER PROTECTION

COMPUTER NASTIES

VIRUS PROTECTION MADE SIMPLE

How do you protect your computer?
How do you clear it of any infection it may already have?
How do you keep it safe?

First...
Install these to build a protective wall around your computer...
just like the outside walls and roof protect your house...

Firewall - Router - Antivirus - Anti-hacker

And then...
Use these to disinfect your computer and keep it safe
just as you would clean your bathroom with bleach or antiseptic liquid...

Virus Scan - Adware Scan - Trojan Scan

Now read on...
To discover the threats to your computer and the best solutions I have found.
http://www.med-liv.com/bug 1.html

Paris Hilton likes them big

reversed himself, warning clients to pull out of the market. Soros,
when youre right and how much

Life is short... so make the most of it !!
Iresenting the new male enhancement product
that has been tested and sold to over 300.000 Men worldwide.
En'large your manhood right now and reap all the benefits,
be the most confident man in city!

100% safe and 100% money back guarantee if not satisfied.

Web-Site of our e-shop

were $3,157,259,730. A spokesman for the fund was quoted as saying:
dollar to overshoot, both on the
attain truly superior long-term returns is to grind it out until youre

Why do we send jokes?

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some iced water brought to you."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," indicating his dog, "come in too?" the traveller asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back towards the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road that led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there".

The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate.

"Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back towards the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use heaven's name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who are willing to leave their friends behind."

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke. Instead, realis e that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile...and that friend who sent the joke would not ever leave you behind.

mmmmme?

"What's it to be?", asks the barmaid.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................", says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman, "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of GUI GUI GUI GUI......"
Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th.............."

"Bugger this," says the barmaid and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.
"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of GUI GUI GUI GUI", says the Irishman.
"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th", says the Scotsman.

"Look," says the barmaid, who loves a bet and was sure that no one would win. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll let you take me upstairs ".
"So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"

"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
"And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.
"London," says the Irishman.

"Oh bugger " thinks the barmaid as great cheer goes up in the pub.
So she reluctantly takes the Irishman by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips off and spreads on bed.
The Irishman climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out

"...............- D D D D D D D D Derry!!"

Lost in thought...

I wondered...

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

- Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Stop the Presses!.....Cut off in me prime!

My experiment in fooling blogger worked...it cut of half the first urgent news item...

So here goes again...

Dateline Washington DC: In an attempt to stem the tide of bird flu,

US President GW. Bush has ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.

And on a more heart warming note...

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No," he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

And to end...a thought on humanity...

Hey, civilizations come and go, but the one constant throughout the ages has been and always will be the orgasm.

Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief--I don't care what your social strata is.

When that climax lightning bolt comes roaring down your loins, there's only one thing on your mind: why in the hell is everybody else on this bus starin' at me?

Have a loinful day

Dateline Washington DC: In an attempt to stem the tide of bird flu,

And...

Just to prove there is a brain here somewhere...

From Phillip M Harter, MD, Stanford University, School of

Medicine:

"If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of

precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios

remaining the same, here's what you would have:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 from the Western Hemisphere (both north and south)

8 Africans

52 would be female

48 would be male

70 would be non-white

30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian

30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual

11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth, and

all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer."

Religious Break

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Great Value Pirate Insurance

After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire.
Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker's compensation insurance.
He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye.

The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent.

In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg."

The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?"

"Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate.

"That's also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent.

The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!"

"What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" said the agent.

"Well, y'see," he replied, "It were the first day with me hook!"

Spain rejects CIA flight claims

BBC NEWS | Europe | Spain rejects CIA flight claims

World's Funniest Joke - Official!

CNN.com - Official! World's funniest joke - Oct. 3, 2002

LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.



And here it is...



Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.


He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"



Wiseman said the joke worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.


"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal," he said.

In a recent hospital test...

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

A Parliamentary News Update...

From our Parliamentary correspondent...

The question being asked around Westminster today, in the light of the British cabinet reshuffle, is what do an MFI furniture flat pack and John Presott have in common?

The general concensus of opinion is that it only takes a couple of screws in the wrong place, and the whole f***ing cabinet collapses!

More news as it happens...

Sunday inspiration.

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter.
One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be having an affair."

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord, I found one."

Don't get mad...get even!

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for a bj on the way?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "OK," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Train your boss!

Tips from Employees to Their Managers

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If its a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

Catching up on the funnies....

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science &Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

Once in a lifetime!

On Thursday 4th May 2006, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 PM, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06
Except in America where they swap the dates over.

JCSS - Jesus Christ Superstar

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR...At Last!!!Pics are up on the Centre Stage Productions pages at http://www.med-liv.comFollow the links top left of the homepage there.

Thanks to Andrew and Javi (Property of Tayrne!) for letting me have their pics to share with you. There are more to come, but they need working on!

If anyone else has pics we can use, copies to hms@ono.comand many thanks if you do have some to send.

Packed houses again, great and appreciative audiences, an enthusiastic cast...what more could you ask for?

And on a more spiritual level...

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."

Housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?
"Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take youto church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in theconfession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again."

Words of Wisdom

Enough of such frivolity.
Time for todays lessons.
Read peasants, and be enriched in your business lives!

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. "
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Know the feeling guys???

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

JCSS - Jesus Christ Superstar next week

Sorry for the lack of posts/jokes.
Been a really hectic time in the run up to JCSS.
I'll be posting a diary at the CSP (Centre Stage Productions) blog daily if you want to join in with the preparations.
You'll find the blog at: http://csp-m.blogspot.com come and join us there.

Here's a quickie to be going on with...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either".

Talking about Jesus Christ Superstar reminds me of..

Little Zachary, a little kid, was doing very badly in maths.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his mathematics.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in maths.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, "No"
"Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't f***ing around."

Oliver - Another sell-out for Centre Stage Productions

First off, congratulations to Centre Stage Youth Theatre. Oliver was great, a sell-out and really good fun.
Lots of talent, some wonderful singing and loads of enthusiasm.
Alex who played Nancy, seen here in the red dress, brought us two unscheduled laughs.
The first on the Saturday when the lights came on from a stage blackout, and there was Alex looking like a sprinter leaving the starting traps.
Having just been murdered, she was caught in the middle of getting up and trying to leave the stage!
She froze...she'd still be in that position now if there hadn't been another, unscheduled, blackout for her to exit gracefully!
The audience enjoyed the fun and even applauded when they realised what had happened.
The second was on the Sunday when the script called for a bottle of drink to be poured out. No bottle!
So Alex, breeding will show, adlibbed..."Oi, where's the bloody gin?"
That dear audience is why the cast got a fit of the giggles and Alex got a slap from mummy after the show!
Next production for Centre Stage is Jesus Christ Superstar on 21st, 22nd and 23rd of THIS MONTH.
Please make sure of your tickets. Centre Stage now sell out for virtually all performances. The only way to be sure of a ticket is to buy them early. Someone contacted Centre Stage office earlier this week to complain that the seats he wanted had already gone...for all 3 performances. As usual, you have been warned.
Tickets are available at The Auditorium Box Office in Palma, Paseo Maritimo and branches of Servicaixa in Mallorca.

OLIVER - URGENT - LAST TICKETS

OLIVER - URGENT - LAST TICKETS
The Auditorium - Palma de Mallorca
1st and 2nd April

Tomorrow Saturday - SOLD OUT
A few tickets left for Sunday: 971 22 15 30 - Robert: 637 593 687

Tickets now on sale for Jesus Christ Superstar: 21st - 22nd - 23rd April at The Auditorium Box Office and branches of Servicaixa in Mallorca

Love the last one...

ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCE EXCUSES FROM PARENTS (SUPPOSEDLY)-- INCLUDING SPELLING.
*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.
*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the sh*ts.

Oliver at the Auditorium, Mallorca is HOT now!

Forget spring, Mallorca is now getting summer hot...even the locals have started removing winter wear.
Remember Oliver at The Auditorium this Saturday and Sunday. Looks like being yet another sell-out.
If you don't have your tickets yet...then do it now...on the night may be too late.
You have been warned...again!

The picture is Robert Bateman guesting as Fagin in Oliver.

Getting warmer.

Summer is coming.
The weather is looking good now, tourists are beaching it and I'm only wearing a ski jacket...so it must be warm.
Been a slow start to the season this year, but with easter coming soon the island will come to life again.

And maybe a note of warning here....

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice " I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the concrete wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Ask your questions, share your knowledge in Totally Mallorca

If you have any questions you'd like answered about our dream island in the sun...or if you have any suggestions to make to help others enjoy their dreams here...just send us a post, we're here to help you.
Meanwhile, to keep things fun...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem p*ssed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh shit," Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and f*rted."

The Joy of English Nursery Rhymes...brought up to date!

English heritage has been enriched with the joy and innocence of nursery rhymes.
Poems enjoyed for hundreds of years by little children.
May I now share some examples with you, brought up to date...

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them, too, 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........ well,
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

On a more serious note today...English usage.

To improve your English...Lesson 1

Stories with a moral.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment.
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Michael said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
" What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher .
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah." the teacher said. "Ashleigh, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen.
"Aunty Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
"She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
"She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
"Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking"