The Joy of English Nursery Rhymes...brought up to date!

English heritage has been enriched with the joy and innocence of nursery rhymes.
Poems enjoyed for hundreds of years by little children.
May I now share some examples with you, brought up to date...

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them, too, 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........ well,
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.