OLIVER - URGENT - LAST TICKETS

OLIVER - URGENT - LAST TICKETS
The Auditorium - Palma de Mallorca
1st and 2nd April

Tomorrow Saturday - SOLD OUT
A few tickets left for Sunday: 971 22 15 30 - Robert: 637 593 687

Tickets now on sale for Jesus Christ Superstar: 21st - 22nd - 23rd April at The Auditorium Box Office and branches of Servicaixa in Mallorca

Love the last one...

ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCE EXCUSES FROM PARENTS (SUPPOSEDLY)-- INCLUDING SPELLING.
*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.
*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the sh*ts.

Oliver at the Auditorium, Mallorca is HOT now!

Forget spring, Mallorca is now getting summer hot...even the locals have started removing winter wear.
Remember Oliver at The Auditorium this Saturday and Sunday. Looks like being yet another sell-out.
If you don't have your tickets yet...then do it now...on the night may be too late.
You have been warned...again!

The picture is Robert Bateman guesting as Fagin in Oliver.

Getting warmer.

Summer is coming.
The weather is looking good now, tourists are beaching it and I'm only wearing a ski jacket...so it must be warm.
Been a slow start to the season this year, but with easter coming soon the island will come to life again.

And maybe a note of warning here....

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice " I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the concrete wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Ask your questions, share your knowledge in Totally Mallorca

If you have any questions you'd like answered about our dream island in the sun...or if you have any suggestions to make to help others enjoy their dreams here...just send us a post, we're here to help you.
Meanwhile, to keep things fun...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem p*ssed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh shit," Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and f*rted."

The Joy of English Nursery Rhymes...brought up to date!

English heritage has been enriched with the joy and innocence of nursery rhymes.
Poems enjoyed for hundreds of years by little children.
May I now share some examples with you, brought up to date...

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them, too, 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........ well,
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

On a more serious note today...English usage.

To improve your English...Lesson 1

Stories with a moral.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment.
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Michael said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
" What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher .
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah." the teacher said. "Ashleigh, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen.
"Aunty Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
"She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
"She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
"Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking"

Joke of the Day - Need to think about this one!

Kneed 2 think hear. Smell chequers sum timed brake.

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect in it's weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

Joke of the Day

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, alittle more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again! was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Samaritan smiled and said, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Joke of the Day

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

Joke of the Day

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F***ing shoes on!"

Centre Stage Productions - Oliver

Rehearsals are well under way for the Junior Company presentation of Oliver at The Auditorium, Palma on April 1st and 2nd at 8pm.
If you're coming to see it please get your tickets early. The last production was sold out before first night, and Oliver is on for only 2 nights instead of the usual 3.
Don't say you weren't warned!

Restaurant Guide

Take a look at some really great restaurants on the island...and lots, lots more
http://www.med-liv.com