Totally Mallorca

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Why do we send jokes?

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some iced water brought to you."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," indicating his dog, "come in too?" the traveller asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back towards the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road that led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there".

The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate.

"Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back towards the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use heaven's name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who are willing to leave their friends behind."

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke. Instead, realis e that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile...and that friend who sent the joke would not ever leave you behind.

Friday, June 23, 2006

mmmmme?

"What's it to be?", asks the barmaid.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................", says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman, "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of GUI GUI GUI GUI......"
Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th.............."

"Bugger this," says the barmaid and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.


"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.
"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of GUI GUI GUI GUI", says the Irishman.
"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th", says the Scotsman.

"Look," says the barmaid, who loves a bet and was sure that no one would win. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll let you take me upstairs ".
"So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"


"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
"And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.
"London," says the Irishman.

"Oh bugger " thinks the barmaid as great cheer goes up in the pub.
So she reluctantly takes the Irishman by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips off and spreads on bed.
The Irishman climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out


"...............- D D D D D D D D Derry!!"

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Lost in thought...

I wondered...

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

- Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Stop the Presses!.....Cut off in me prime!

My experiment in fooling blogger worked...it cut of half the first urgent news item...

So here goes again...

Dateline Washington DC: In an attempt to stem the tide of bird flu,

US President GW. Bush has ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.


And on a more heart warming note...

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No," he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

And to end...a thought on humanity...

Hey, civilizations come and go, but the one constant throughout the ages has been and always will be the orgasm.

Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief--I don't care what your social strata is.

When that climax lightning bolt comes roaring down your loins, there's only one thing on your mind: why in the hell is everybody else on this bus starin' at me?

Have a loinful day



Dateline Washington DC: In an attempt to stem the tide of bird flu,

And...

Just to prove there is a brain here somewhere...


From Phillip M Harter, MD, Stanford University, School of

Medicine:

"If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of

precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios

remaining the same, here's what you would have:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 from the Western Hemisphere (both north and south)

8 Africans

52 would be female

48 would be male

70 would be non-white

30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian

30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual

11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth, and

all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer."

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Religious Break

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Great Value Pirate Insurance

After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire.
Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker's compensation insurance.
He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye.

The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent.


In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg."


The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?"


"Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate.

"That's also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent.

The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!"

"What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" said the agent.

"Well, y'see," he replied, "It were the first day with me hook!"

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Spain rejects CIA flight claims

World's Funniest Joke - Official!


CNN.com - Official! World's funniest joke - Oct. 3, 2002
LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.



And here it is...



Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.


He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"



Wiseman said the joke worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.


"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal," he said.
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